I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
