So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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