Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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