see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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