He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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