Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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