hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Randomize