I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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