Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
