The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
