Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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