i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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