No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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