I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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