Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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