haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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