Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
