She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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