if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
