How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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