Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
