sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Your cock deserves a montage
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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