wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
