Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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