I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
