dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
