My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
