I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
