she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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