ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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