i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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