His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
