I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
