how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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