and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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