Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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