Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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