My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Randomize
