Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he thought i was a dude.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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