My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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