Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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