you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
