It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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