Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
