He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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