His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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