I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
