i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
