see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
