If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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