Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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